Monday, November 23, 2009

Nick Cannon the blame for Mariah's fall?

Speaking of falling stars, have you heard about Mariah Carey? I hear Mimi is having a little trouble selling tickets. Yeah, she’s performing at Madison Square Garden on New Year’s Eve for a one night only, ringing in 2010 R&B/Pop symphonic soul extravaganza. I hear this Mariah Carey concert is going to have everything: music, dance, comedy, and magic. Yep, everything except an audience. Cuz she ain’t selling no tickets!
I hear the promoters are sweating like Evander Holyfield on Maury. I don’t know if they’ll cancel Mariah’s show, but they might have to move it to a smaller venue, like the Starbucks on Eighth Avenue. That bamma Nick Cannon had better brace himself. Pretty soon Mariah’s gonna start blaming people for her drop off. All I’m saying pre-Nick Cannon, multi-platinum and sold out shows. Post-Nick Cannon, aluminum and Starbucks on Eighth Avenue.

"Thumbs Up" for Former Miss California!

The former Miss California was all over TV this week trying to convince people that a sex tape is not really a sex tape. You know that tape that the pageant committee got a hold of that shows Carrie Prejean pleasuring herself on camera? I hear she was going to town on this tape. She was all over herself. She was tearing herself up. They said it looked like she was stuffing a turkey. Somebody needs to tell that woman that sex with yourself, is still sex. And if you sex yourself on tape, then you’ve made a sex tape. I’m not mad at her. I’d like to shake her hand. I give the tape a thumbs up! I’ll let that marinate for all you slow bammas. As a matter of fact, that may be the name of the tape, “Thumbs Up”.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Troops The True Celebrities?

I should celebrate our troops everyday like we do these celebrities I always talk about. The soldiers do more than these celebrities do. The soldiers have to pack up and leave their families. Do celebrities do that?
Well, Swizzbeatz did leave his wife and kids for Alicia Keys. Soldiers have to run covert undercover operations. Do celebrities do that?
Well Eddie and Johnny, they’re pretty covert. Soldiers have to defuse bombs. Do celebrities do that?
Well Mariah Carey’s new album pretty much bombed, so she’s dealing with that. Some of our soldiers are POWs but our only celebrity POW is R. Kelly and his POW stands for “Pees On Women”. I think you get my point at this point. The real superstars are the men and women of our military: the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and a special shout out to all of the security guards at Black malls. Talk about being on the front lines!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Woe is Washington.

So I guess now the whole country knows what we here in Washington have been knowing since the beginning of the season.
The Washington Redskins SUCK like shiggedy! The Washington Redskins have been giving some of the worst performances I’ve ever seen in professional football games. They have been train wrecks. Grease fires. The Redskins offense is a combination of R. Kelly and MC Hammer. Piss Poor! And while the Skins were stinkin’ it up on the field, the head coach Jim Zorn was on the sidelines doing nothing. Zorn was just standing around looking stupid while some old man behind the scenes called all of the shots. We already had that situation in Washington before with George Bush and Dick Cheney. And it didn’t work then either. So much for this season. As long as we beat the Cowboys I’ll be happy. And we will beat the Cowboys.

The Tattoos

These Bammas Here!
The NBA season has started. And as the thirty teams begin their race for the coveted NBA title, every single fan of basketball is asking the same question. How long before Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian get a divorce? Cuz you know it’s coming. Their divorce is like Kobe in the fourth quarter…ain’t nothing they can do to stop it. Did you hear about that big bamma Lamar Odom and that Sleestack Khloe Kardashian getting tattoos? They got those Hollywood love tats on their hands. She got L.O. for Lamar Odom and he got K.O. for Khloe Odom. But she shoulda got G.D. for Gold Digger and he shoulda got D.A. for Dumb Ass. You cannot get tattoos of someone’s name or initials when you’ve only known them four months. I don’t care if you did marry them. You can get out of a marriage. You can’t annul a tattoo. Plus they got the tats on the back of their hands so it always looks like they got stamped at the club.

America: Bye Mr. Irvin!

Finally America Gets a Vote Right!
I was at the “Kick Michael Irvin off of Dancing With the Stars” afterparty and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. We they announced that Michael Irvin was going home, I started crying like Jesse Jackson in Grant Park. We can now once again have faith in the system. The same system that honestly and fairly booted Macy Gray’s Frankenstein dancing ass has now redeemed itself. I just hope that the pain and humiliation doesn’t send Michael Irvin into relapse. I don’t want to catch him on the corner trying to cop some of that crank. You know, some of that Eddie Kane Jr. Some of that Jimmy Early. Fight the urge Michael, fight the urge! If you other recovering users out there see a brother walking to your NA meeting tonight wearing a sleeveless shiny shirt and tight pants doing the cha-cha, give that bamma a hug.